Monday, August 9, 2010

Decisions, Decisions.....

Naming your child is not as fun as I originally thought it would be. I used to always say “If I had a girl I would name her ....” Well now that the time has arrived it puts a whole new spin on things. I mean, let's be honest, you can potentially set you child up for a lifetime of teasing and disappointments.

All potential names must pass these several imperative tests:

1. The scream test: You have to scream your potential names as loud as possible and see how it sounds. There is nothing like screaming for someone and sounding like an idiot with a speech impediment. For example: You are sitting at a baseball game and your child is up to bat and you yell “Go Trenton.” It sounds like you are holding your tongue and rooting for your little one at the same time. Not good for him or you.

2. The rhyme test: This test you cannot take lightly. Does the name rhyme with ANY perverted adjectives or nouns? If you grew up with my Mom you are very familiar with these nouns and adjectives. We had many long nights of learning spelling words by associating them with these inappropriate nouns/adjectives. If you need an example of ones of these potential deadly names just ask Momma Vaughn.

3. The mental image test: This test takes imagination but is nonetheless as essential as the previous tests. Here is what you do…. Close your eyes, picture the name you like, and see what is the first image that pops into your head. For instance, when I close my eyes and picture a boy named Simon I see a middle school boy, short for his age, glasses, and reading a Harry Potter book. When I close my eyes and picture a girl named Bernice (one of my Mom’s options for the baby) I see a red head, lots of freckles, thick glasses, very developed for her age, if you know what I mean, and braces. Not that either image is necessary bad but it is a test that must be done. This can prevent you from any potential surprises down the road. If you have aspirations of your daughter becoming the next America’s Next Top Model you might rethink the name Bernice. Just sayin’. (I apologize to anyone named Bernice who has beaten the odds and if you did not beat the odds an "I told you so" is not necessary. You have gone through enough pain already)

With that said, our names are still not final but they haven’t changed in a few days so that is a positive step for the future.


  1. Do my baby names pass these tests? Now I'm trying to think of perverted things Sophie and Campbell might rhyme with...none coming to mind. Maybe I need to ask Lisa?

  2. sooo... you're saying we missed the mark? i mean, carter farter is bound to screw her up in some way. hopefully itll build character. after all i survived mag the fag... :)

  3. Steph: Yes, your girls pass the test but you might want to check with my Mom for reassurance.
    Mags: Ok, Carter Farter is not exactly what I had in mind. Think more perverted. I know you have it in you. Even worse than Mag the you know what.