Wednesday, February 8, 2012

My Birth Story

As a year approaches us since our girl was born I can now somewhat talk about my labor/delivery experience. One of my best friends described her labor as sweet and although I am happy for her, I think I am anyways, mine was anything but sweet. If I had to use one word to describe my experience it would be: traumatic. Yes, in the end it was obviously worth it but it was bad enough to make us second guess having another baby.

Let me recap:

1. Bad Start: It took 6 tries to get an IV in my hand. Yes, I said 6 tries. This included 4 different nurses and over an hour of trying. Each time my vein kept blowing and hurt more each time they would try. By the end of their trial and error I looked like a drug addict and Josh was the baby Daddy.

2. Liar Liar Pants On Fire: My first examination my nurse tells me "I am already dilated, having contractions, and I should be well on my way and be ready to meet our baby soon." I even made the comment to Josh, "I wonder if Charlotte will come in the middle of the night." HA! Little did I know the hell hasn't even started.

3. Don't Get Too Comfy, Little Missy: I finally fell asleep, thanks to ambien, only to be awoken in the middle of the night to move rooms. Now picture this: Josh is packing the room half asleep and my druggy bottomless gown is walking down the hallway to our new room. No chance of going back to sleep now.

4. Starting to Get Real: Morning comes, family comes, hunger comes, exhaustion comes, and contractions comes. The best way I can describe a contraction is that you have a toe cramp but it is your entire body. The most bizarre part is that you are experiencing this pain as you are laying in a bed in front of your family like everything is normal. Trust me, there is nothing normal about anything that is happening in that plastic bed.

5. Epidural: Finally around 2pm I get Gods gift to labor, thank you God.

6. You've Got To Be Kidding Me: Dinner time comes. Dinner time goes. Everyone has dinner, except for me. I had my epidural 5 hours ago and now I am so sick stomach and begin to throw up. I haven't had food or water in almost 24 hours and that cannot be healthy. I am still not progressing and just told it will be HOURS until I deliver . At this point I feel like I should just go home and try this whole thing again another day. I am mentally defeated at this point. If you have lost count I have now been in the hospital for 24 hours.

7. Sh**t Hits the Fan: Once the clock hit midnight things got bad and I mean real bad. My Dad always says, "nothing good happens after midnight" and let me tell ya, the man isn't lying. I started feeling everything and I do not say everything lightly. I could feel the nurse tickle my toes and I could have gotten up and walked my panties-less bottom home. I had already hit my "emergency" epidural button hours ago and I was told it was too late to call the antisialogist because it was time to start pushing. I thought to myself "I can do this." Ignorance is bliss.

8. Your Mama is Ugly: The first push was as if someday pulled off my fingernails one by one and then threw me into an ocean so the saltwater would really do me in. I immediately knew I was in over my head. I told the nurse I needed more pain meds but she said I had to wait for the doctor to get here and to keep pushing. At this point everything turned red and blurry. I said things I couldn't say to Hitler. Take what you are imagining and multiply it by 1000 or 1,000,000,000. I would get kicked off the Internet if I wrote them on here.
HOUR 29.5

9. Doctor arrives: After an hour and half of pushing and verbal abuse the nurses finally call the Doctor. He is up in a jiffy. I do not greet him with smiles or warm welcomes. He gives me some deadening shots, think of the shots you get at the dentist but for your puff, you can imagine how well that felt and how well that works. I remember asking him if I can go home and try again later.  I was totally serious. I was o-v-e-r it. I hated him, Josh, the nurses, cotton candy, my puppies, and life itself.

10. HOUR 30: After 2 ungodly hours of pushing, Miss Charlotte Lillian graces us with her presence.  They say as soon as you delivery you feel an immediate relief. I did not feel that. The room was still black and gloomy. I looked at Josh for the first time in at least 2 hours and he looked like he just fought in WWIII. He was pale, sweaty, scared, and gasping for air. I knew when I saw him he suffered almost as much as I did. I still feel sorry for him.

11. Alone: Charlotte was having trouble breathing (can you imagine) and had to be taken to the NICU and my War Hero followed. I found myself alone. What the hell just happened to me? As bad as it sounded I wanted to be left alone for a few hours but we all know that didn't happen.

Was it worth it? Absolutely! I would do it again tomorrow for our Charlotte.

Really all joking aside, we were so thankful to God to have such a healthy baby it didn't matter what we had to endure. We know so many families would laugh at how easy my experience was so we will always be thankful for that. 


  1. I was just crying! I mean you are funny but that got the tears going! So glad all was well in the end, but OMG if i have a labor that long I don't imagine my family will ever want to speak to me again!